well, i must say that this month is NOT getting off to a good start.

Batty has left the guild after an attack on him by nearly all the officers. It was not a fun couple of days, but i think the worst of it is over. i did learn a valuable lesson, though and that is this: You can’t make someone stay with you no matter what you offer them or give them. Batty never really fit in and i am sorry that instead of letting him go, we instead, put him in a position of power that he abused constantly.

i had no idea how unhappy everyone was. i wish i could open my eyes and see more clearly these things but i never seem to be able to. So, again, i did something that could have cost us everything. It didn’t, but at least its over and done with now.

It makes me questions my ability to lead 200 people. i know it’s a “game” but these people look to me and jan to make their EQ2 experience more fulfilling and i take that job very seriously.

i think the guild is reaching the end of its growing pains and i think we have seen an end to the drama at least for now....

i was searching for the real video to thsi song and came across this one. It was really well done, even if i don't think thsi is what the song is about. To me it more about letting the door close on the past, and moving forward and being who you want to be because in the end you gotta do it for you (As Austin Powers would say!)

Anyway, enjoy!

Well the workshop was a HUGE hit! Parcifal was here from Houston, MsJ, and a new coupel from Dallas! Everyone learned lots and had great fun!

On Sunday, iw orked with Piggy (Brent/Brimstone) and Parcifal on dressage and it was LOTS of fun! It was hot but we all had tons of fun!

Our next one is Oct. 5 and i hope the new couple comes back! They seemed to really enjoy it!

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And, when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? What the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

- William Blake (1757-1827)

Well, school started yesterday/today and i think its gonna be a really tough semester.

i decided not to start at Texas State yet. i am taking a few classes at ACC to better round my education. It was a tough choice, but after going with Daddy to meet with Admissions, i think i did the right thing.

Daddy has beend oing lost of work figuring out my GPA and what not and things are looking good. And it seems like i can see a light at the end of what has become a REALLY long tunnel. i can't say i hate school, but i am not sure i would have choosen to be in school so long hehe

i have all my books and stuff and it looks like its going to be an interesting semester. My German Teacher is a flaming Liberal Democrat and started off today telling us that President Bush is a tresonous piece of crap and should be triad and exucuted. i snorted and told him that he and Ken (Daddy) woudl get along great. i think he is planning on Attending Manor Dem's meeting in Septembed LOL! That will be odd!

i am a lil sad summer is over. i had hoped to get to Houston to see coffeebean before it did but it looks like that just isn't in the cards. At least i will see her for the Jamboree!

For the third time, Jerry (battywiz) has threatened to elave the guild. Well, its no wonder i guess. He is a level 70 wizard who like sto raid. He says he doesn't want to be in a raiding guild, but he feels like he has no controla dn gets tired of folks "talking down" to him.

So, jan and Marc and i talked it over and we decided that the problem might be that batty feels like he doesn't have control over anything because being an officer just isn't enough. Marc (Zakary) has lots of trepidatiosn about this. He feels Batty has a hot head. In the end, we decided to make Batty the 5th leader of the Spirit Callers.

So, i had a long talk with jan aboput the guild. Its getting big which means more responsibility. Some people argue that having five leaders is to many. i disagree. We are now the 12th largest guild on Kithcore, and i am asorry, that is just to much pressure. Having five leaders takes the pressure off each of us. i don't feel like i have to be signed on 24/7.

Daddy still won't play with us. We are hoping that after Halloween we can persuade him. We will see....

Well, i am happy with teh way the guild is going. Looks liek we will be lvl 60 by the time Kunark comes out and i am thrilled.

Ok, time for bed *yawns*

Well, it took a little longer this time, but the outcome was bound to be this way. i ended my correspoundance with psycho today. This is for the last time. i sent him the following email (exerts of the better parts...its awesome). i do not believe he really has any money...hell i don't think he has a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. i feel a touch sorry for him.

After i sent this i did block all the email addresses i know he has. That won't stop him from contacting me of course. If he does so again, i will not respound. This is good bye for sure and i feel really good about how i handled the whole situation.

The letter:

D~,

Well, I have been doing a lot of pontificating as of late. I know you are not going to like any of this, but still it needs to be said. I can live with the hate and resentment you will feel for me when you are done reading it.

At one point, I was convinced that things have changed…that you’re probably different now. But, the truth is, I am the one who is different. So different I do not believe you really know me. I don’t say that to be insulting, D~. I say that because it is true. More true than I wanted it to be, honestly.

I have struggled for some time with the notion of perhaps entwining our lives again. I thought if we could remain civil on line with each other, things would have really changed. The problem is, your anger, your frustration, your resentment, your inappropriate angry outbursts, and your lack of keenness to allow me to be who I am, bubbles at the surface. And, like today, suddenly exposes its repulsive head. I say repulsive, because you say some nasty things that I just cascade over like a muddy puddle of water. Today, however, I cannot ignore one truth…

You care for yourself, your wants, your wishes, your needs, and your desires very much. You act, still, on impulse and whim alone, thinking you can bully your way forward and get what you fancy. Regrettably, I am not so credulous any longer. I think that is what makes you most livid. A sensible person, who had another person’s welfare at heart, would not tell them to walk away from something they had worked so hard to attain. They would support and encourage that person to do well, to go forward, and achieve their dreams. They would not disparage and debase those labors or make those efforts seem futile and dim.

I have worked exceedingly at school. I have had to retake classes that I blew off or failed, and I have had to build my transcript and a case for myself JUST so TSU would give me an opportunity. I have explained to you what an effort it has been to get where I finally sought to be. And in the end, my success is MORE than just entrance into a school or program. It is personal accomplishment and victory. A ticket to self-esteem I did not have a few years ago. It has built my character, and it has made me see that I am exceptional and that I can do anything on my own with my own brain, my own guts, and my own resolve.

Not once have you said “I am proud of you”. Not once have you said, “Good job! I knew you could do it!” Not once have you said an encouraging word to me. As an alternative, all I listen to is your carping about all the things I am doing wrong, where I should REALLY be, where I should be living, and whom I should be with.

I have taken a step back from this situation and I have learned something about you, D~. Something I should have seen from the moment you IMed me not so long ago and even perhaps when I first meet you face-to-face: You are selfish,. self-centered, self-seeking, and you only have YOUR best interests at heart. You are doing things for YOU and YOU alone. You do not care about my future, or my life. You care about your here and now.

The truth is, I don’t want to have someone in my life who would persuade me to dismiss my education without a second thought. You have accused me of being a “gold digger” in the past, yet here I am trying to make something of myself, of my life, and put my talents for helping people to use, and you are encouraging me to piss it all away. To me, it makes very little sense.

Everyone has faults…goodness knows I have many. But I do not use people, and I never have. Your mind-set of “using the little people” grinds on me and goes against everything I know. I simply don’t want to have someone in my life who has such a dreary outlook on life…or someone who abuses people around them simply because then can.

You are not a nice person, D~. You are spiteful and you are cruel, and you get sadistic contentment out of it. Now that you have money, I fear for those at your hand doing your bidding. I hope one day, karma pays you back for everyone you have stepped on and wounded along the way. You are…an ugly person inside.

I am not sorry to say these things, even if it hurts me to admit them. These things are all true and there is NO altering you. You are what you have made yourself to be. I wanted to lie to myself and dissuade myself that you have changed. Money has made you even more spiteful and cruel. I would never feel safe around you. Not for my heart, not for my well being, not for my life in broad-spectrum. The way you talk frightens me, and I am not so sure you mind my uneasiness or anyone else’s when it comes to your maltreatment and intimidation. I feel sorry for K~, and anyone else who crosses your path with uncertainties or trepidation. I think you feed on fear, and it is much of what makes you who you are…

Well, I said more than I anticipated. I know you are fuming now and hate me once again. I know you will sling mud and you will call me names and call me a liar and anything else you can think of. The truth is, I stopped caring about what you think a very long time ago. I think that is what you will be most angry about. The fact that I never took your lure (unless you count this instance) will make you furious. I am sure you set this little “test” up…to see if I would drop everything and come running to you…as the end all be all of my love or lack there of. I am not sorry to disappoint you, however. Instead, I am proud of myself for being strong and clinging to what I know is right. In the end, I am going to become the person I always wanted to be: Improved and independent with two people who love me for ME at my side.

I do not need you to complete me or make my life whole. Instead, I merely need my own accomplishments and my own development to see me through and the support of the two people who have helped me become who I am today. While I desire companionship, I want to SHARE my life with someone, not LIVE my life for someone else. There IS a difference, and that person was never, will never and can never be you. I do not love you, nor do I think what we ever had together was love, at least not for my part. It was fear of being alone, and having someone hold my hand and guide me onward. I do not need that anymore, and I never will I ever need that again from you.

This letter may seem angry, but it is not. It is full of only truths. Some hard, some insufferable for you, I am sure, but truths nonetheless.

I feel nothing but disenchantment and sadness because here is where are paths must cross for the last time. I must cut you out of my life like a malignancy, so that you do not taint me again. I cannot allow anyone or anything to divert me from my ambitions. We cannot change who we truly are.

My last request is that you never email or IM me again. Please keep in mind it was you who contacted me yet again, not vice versa. Know that I am strong enough never to respond to you again, so my proposal to you is that you not torment yourself. Next time, I guarantee you, I will not reply.

So, this is goodbye. I will not part with best wishes…but instead will encourage you to modify your behaviors and find someone else inside of you before life passes you by in an angry haze.


"There are good ships and there are wood ships...
There are ships that sail the seas...
But the best ships, are FRIENDSHIPS!
So may they always be!"

Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carrying on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing it turns out
Wrong
You might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that
Strong
Well I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You see what you like
And how does it feel, one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Daniel Powter lyrics to - Bad Day

It was a really pleasant weekend. For the most part, it was very quiet and we did almost NOTHING for a change! No visitors, except for, well…you know. But all in all, it was quiet. jan and i played EQ2 a lot, and we managed to sneak in some chores. The last chick hatched, well sorta. He isn’t doing so well. i think he worked to hard getting out and he just kinda lays around. Hang in there, critter!

We tried to go see V for Vendetta on Saturday evening, but it was sold out, as the Alamo was also showing MI3. So, back home we went. jan and i played some more EQ and then we went to bed. We decided we would try again in the early afternoon today, and low and behold, finally after no less then 4 attempts, we saw it! (more on the movie in sec).

Well, i don’t know why it was so important to me to see this movie, i really don’t. i think because someone i distrust said it was an awful concept, and he would never go see it. Well, he could not have been more wrong. Anyway, it became imperative that i see it! i mean, he didn’t even like Pulp Fiction! And, i bet he hates the Rocky Horror picture show, and he would never in a million years go and see a movie that was popular because it had a certain actor in it. Well, he can just miss out because V was one of the most thrilling movies i have EVER seen!

About the movie…

i won’t spoil it, but it IS a Marvel movie. i did not know, but Daddy said it was a very popular comic book at one time. It was long, but never a dull moment. Of course i cried in all the right places, held my breath in more then a few, and felt pity and recollection more times then i cared to admit. The movie has left me unsettled. That would be why i am sitting here at 12:30am writing in my journal, instead of being snuggled up next to daddy sleeping happily.

i am unsettled because, i am thinking about one issue. This fanatical government focused on gay and lesbians, and took them off somewhere to be tortured in the name of science and the betterment of mankind. They were not the only ones. So, i am of course wondering…what happens if this fiction, suddenly becomes a reality? What if the GW’s of the world suddenly take an even bigger fancy to sticking their noses in my privacy? Taking away my rights? Its happening, we aren’t stupid, we can see it all the time, everyday. So what about me? i know that we would be a target. We are different. We are freaks. We are abnormal. We are sinners. Why am i walking this path?

Its easy to understand i think. i am not like other people. i can’t walk out into the world and “survive”. Instead, i need someone to help stand me up, push me forward, keep me focused and motivated, and tell me what to do. Does this make me a monster? i also have the ability inside me to love more then one person. To be IN LOVE with two people, and have them be in love with you is the greatest gift that life could possible offer us. How can that be WRONG?

i got out of bed an hour ago, and went out side and looked up at the Texas night sky. How blessed we are by mother that she gives us such a gift. Stars, glorious and untamed, are shining brilliantly! Some are brighter then others, others are dull and nearly lifeless. Together they make up this spanning endlessness that you can almost reach up and touch. They exist together, in some sort of harmony that i don’t think man is capable of yet. We could be, but it requires tolerance, and it requires unconditional love, and it requires us all to look at one another and not judge one another based on our differences.

When i wake up in the morning, i take for granted that jan will be getting ready for work, and i will hug her and kiss her and tell her i love her, and hope she has a good day. i take for granted that that 30 minutes later, daddy will roll out of bed, take a shower and be off to work, kissing my nose and telling me “Have a good day critter”. i take for granted that i will go off to school, return home safely, and the days will cycle and repeat themselves endlessly. Imagining anything else is to painful for me. i don’t want to imagine “what ifs” or face the fact that no one lives forever. That thought alone is what is keeping me awake.

Its silly i guess, but when two people are so wonderful to you, and give you countless chances to be who you really are inside, what else is there to fret over?

Well, its now much later then i ever intended to stay up. 5:30am comes early, so off i go to bed. i don’t know if i will sleep…but i won’t be as afraid as i would have been if i didn’t have them to snuggle up next to…

“People shouldn’t fear their government…Government should fear its people.”

PS~i don’t know if you read my journal (i assume you do because your not happy unless your in my life at some level so i am CERTAIN you have found it…) if you are reading now, you were WRONG. i know you don’t think that i possible, but you were. The movie is excellent, and your an idiot!

Ok, so the house is nearly empty except for…well…All of our welcome house guests are gone, how’s that? i miss jenny terribly.

But, the good news is, i was right, and they ARE perfect for each other! i knew it.

So, now its all work until the middle of next week as i get ready to end another semester. It’s been a long semester and a long month. i am glad its over, but i feel sad none the less. i guess i will ALWAYS be a Yankee! i can’t help it! i really wish i could just get lost in Norrath for a couple of days, but that will have to wait until after finals.

jenny, you are so loved by your little sister! i can’t WIAT to see you in July at Thunder in the Mountains! Stay out of trouble!

As for me, time to get back to the books. Here i always thought a mole was an animal that lives in the ground…

Well….WOW! What a weekend!

First, two of my dearest friends come for a visit, and to attend the Stations of the Cross Party. They were…amazing! i have never seen two people more intone with one another! And their presentations were the bets i have ever seen at a lifestyle event! We asked way to much of them…a dinner presentation of Friday Night, then THREE presentations on Saturday, followed by their quick departure (to quick i may add!) on Sunday! But, they never showed signs of stress or tiredness! They were amazing!

she is my favorite “bottom”. That word is an injustice to her, of course…but when i top, that is what i am. i love to play with her, and this time it was like all inhibitions thrown aside! It was intimate and lovely and it ended too soon (a two hour scene and listen to ME complain!) So, Sunday came and i found myself crying tears of sadness as i pulled away from the airport. Sometimes, we look to far into the distance for something they may have been a lot closer if we had paid attention. What does that mean? i am SURE i do not know. But, i am hopefully they will return in October for our simply FABULOUS Samhein party! What better way is there to bring in the pegan New Year? i dare you to find one!

So, here i am, completely spent, exhausted, happy, sad and missing two people that i wish were still a larger part of my life…How did it happen? Things just happen.

But, the SOTC3 was the biggest success yet! We had some helpful suggestions, and i know next years party will be just as wonderful! We still have some guests, and by weekends end my BIG SISTER will be here! YAY! i can’t wait to see her. After that i am look forward to a couple of months of rest and quiet. And who knows…maybe the house will be completely empty! One never knows what pleasures the future holds…

Now, its time to transform into my “pony self” and do some much promised riding with Paul Reed. Now, wear did i put that French maid outfit? i wonder if Trigger knows how to tie a corset….

So, i finally did it.

i was just about to clean out the second fireplace in the library, and i thought: “Its time to let it go!” New beginnings….

i was home alone and i just had this feeling like i could just let it all go now. i had been keeping it all in an old book bag in the back of my closet, and i hadn’t taken any of it out in a long time. The only two pictures i had of him…of us…i had behind a picture of trigger and i. When i first moved to Texas, i had it out n the open. Then, he did what he always does…and i got angry and put it behind one of trigger and i. But it was time…

So, there i was…kneeling in front of the fireplace on the big sheepskin in the library. i thought about being all dramatic, and laying things out piece by piece. But you know something? Why bother! “What a fucking loser” goes through my mind more often then anything else. So, i just started pulling it all out of the book bag and piling it on. i also thought about “lighting the match” and all that, but again, why? Thank goodness for gas fireplaces. WHOOSH! Up it went. It was so uneventful. It all burned up in an instant. i wish i could say the photos i laid on top burned slowly, but this was a fiery inferno of DEATH! Everything burned in seconds. Emails. Love letters. Poems. Stories. Bu-bye! There is no record of him in my life now, not really. All the old emails i used to poor over on my computer. Then i printed them out, and deleted them from my account. Why was i keeping them? What does it matter what HE thinks of me? Why was that so important to me?

So, today i feel free of him. More free then i ever have. i am ready to face that part of my life in any instant. i have told Daddy and jan all they need to know about him, and i don’t feel like i am keeping some deep dark secret from them anymore. It really is liberating! i was so worried…what will they think of me? But, who cares about HIM! He was no one, nothing really. A pit stop on my way to the place i am SUPPOSE to be!

And, in one week, i am going to face something else i have been ashamed of for a long time. Ashamed because i let someone else take something from me. i knew it was wrong at the time, but we do a lot of strange things in the name of LOVE don’t we? Suddenly, it becomes so easy to turn our backs on our family, our friends…

i have been mending those bridges slowly, and this is one bridge i have waited FAR to long to fix. Two people who meant more to me then i think they even know…to have them back in my life is a blessing i am sure i probably don’t deserve. Or, maybe i do!

i don’t feel afraid of my past for the first time since i moved in with John. i was so young, and everything was so fresh then. But, as we move on in our life, it becomes clear some things aren’t meant for sharing. At least, i told my self that…

But i realized something, being in a loving and supportive relationship and environment…When someone loves you, it doesn’t matter what you did. They want to hear about it, and they listen and they don’t judge. When i talk to jan and daddy about him, they just listened. In then end, they said “Why did you think this would upset us?” And, the truth is…he made me believe, in such a short time, that everything about me, my past, who i am, was wrong…He never wanted to hear me, hear my stories, know who i am, as well as who i WAS. When someone loves you, they take the good with the bad, the present with the past…to build the future. They don’t ask you to shut out who you were, or even who you want to be. They embrace everything about you, no matter what.

So, here i am, feeling all renewed and ready for what promises to be a GREAT weekend! And after that, my big sister comes to Texas! Its so much excitement i can barely stand it!

To him, i would say…move on. Don’t look at this as some slap in the face. i left you a LONG time ago, its time that you except that. Stop emailing me. Stop trying to message me with your dozens of screen names on AOL. i don’t want you in my life. i was only with you for as long as i was because i was trying to prove to myself, more then YOU that i was a GOOD person. You caught me after a very bad relationship, you used me, and you tried to manipulate me. It did not work…just…let it go! i am free of you, you can’t hurt me anymore!

That feels so good!

i have just made a promise to myself i intend to keep.

About two hours ago, i sent the last email i am ever going to send to him. i have said it before, but now i feel like i can keep this promise. So many memories came flooding back to me today…it was almost to much. but, i planted my roots deep enough here that i feel ok about the storm that has passed.

John wasn’t a bad person. i spent to much time listening to others tell me that he was. HE wasn’t the right person for me, but i hope he finds happiness. i am glad he isn’t in my life anymore. Its easy to say “He hurt me” but i hurt him to…

My time in Michigan is shadowed with far to many things to even touch on. When i left there, i was a wreck. Going back to “stay with John” while i transitioned was a mistake. If i had not made that choice, i feel confident this other path i choose would not even have been an option. He caught me at just the right time. He knew what a bad spot i was in and he jumped on it. i had so many resources, WHY did i let this happen?

Here is some truth: i wanted it to happen. Maybe not on the surface, but i wanted to be “poor me”. i went looking for that and found it.

So, i poured all this emotional crap out in a letter to him today. Why? After i sent it, i wished i could un-send it. i needed closure i guess. And now, i have it. i made a promise to myself: i will never respond to him again! No matter what! i will not seek to draw him into my life! No matter what! He will never again have the power that *i* gave to him over me…

The letter is a regurgitation of far to many past occurrences. i know i see them differently, but i also know i am not to terribly far off. So, when i look back on so many things, i wonder what i was thinking in the first place? i wasn’t thinking i was just being and acting. NOT good…

But, its done now. AT some point, i just need to really consider that other collection of memories, and finally lay them to rest. It will keep for now…but i know i have to stop him from haunting me. Soon…just, not today…

i want to live my life in the best way i can. i want to be soemoen who has a morals...ethics...and integrity! Sometimes, i feel like i can't do that because of the world we live in. But...i have this lil blurb i read every now and then that reminds me thats its possible....

Integrity
(adapted from a book called "Developing the Leader Within You" by John C. Maxwell.)

The dictionary defines integrity as "the state of being complete, unified." When one has integrity, their words and their deeds mirror one another. "I am who I am, no matter where I am or who I am with".
A person with integrity does not have divided loyalties (that's duplicity), nor is he or she merely pretending (that's hypocrisy). People with integrity are "whole" people; they can be identified by their single-mindedness. People with integrity have nothing to hide and nothing to fear. Their lives are open books. V. Gilbert Beers, says, "A person of integrity is one who has established a system of values against which all of life is judged."

Integrity is not what we do so much as who we are. And who we are in turn, determines what we do. Our system of values is so much a part of us we cannot separate it from ourselves. It becomes the navigating system that guides us. It establishes priorities in our lives and judges what we will accept or reject.
We are all faced with conflicting desires. Integrity is the factor that determines which one will prevail. We struggle daily with situations that demand decisions between what we want to do and what we ought to do. Integrity establishes the ground rules for resolving these tensions. It determines who we are and how we will respond before the conflict even appears. Integrity welds what we say, think, and do into a whole person so that permission is never granted for one of these to be out of sync.

Integrity binds our person together and fosters a spirit of contentment within us. It will not allow our lips to violate our hearts. With integrity as the referee, we will be consistent; our beliefs will be mirrored by our conduct. There will be no discrepancy between what we appear to be and what our family and friends know we are, whether in times of prosperity or adversity. Integrity allows us to predetermine what we will be regardless or circumstances, persons involved, or the places of our testing.

"The first key to greatness," Socrates reminds us, "is to be in reality what we appear to be." Too often we try to be a "human doing" before we have become a "human being." To earn trust a person has to be authentic. For that to happen, one must come across as a good musical composition does -- the words and the music must match.

"Am I True to Myself?" by Edgar Guest
I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand, with the setting sun,
And hate myself for things I have done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.
I can never hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

The Touch of the Master's Hand

"Twas battered and scared, and the auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while
To waste much time on the old violin,
But he held it up with a smile.
"What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,
"Who'll start bidding for me?
A dollar, a dollar - now who"ll make it two _
Two dollars, and who"ll make it three?

"Three dollars once, three dollars twice,
Going for three". . . but no!
From the room far back a gray-haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;
Then wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening up the strings,
He played a melody,pure and sweet,
As sweet as an angel sings.

The music ceased and the auctioneer
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said: "What am I bidden for the old violin?"
And he held it up with the bow;
"A thousand dollars - and who'll make it two?
Two thousand - and who'll make it three?
Three thousand once, three thousand twice
And going - and gone," said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,
"We do not quite understand -
What changed its worth?" The man replied:
"The touch of the masters hand."
And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and torn with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd.
Much like the old violin.

A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine,
A game and he travels on,
He's going once, and going twice -
He's going - and almost gone!
But the MASTER comes, and the foolish crowd,
Never can quite understand,
The worth of a soul, and the change that's wrought
By the touch of the MASTER'S hand.

~Myra B. Welch

"The Walrus and the Carpenter."

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand:
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"

"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?"

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice.
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said:
"To play them such a trick.
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!"
Shall we be trotting home again?"
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

Because he owns me by me...if you steel it i will hurt you >:)

it is covering me like a blanket
first the soft touch
then the warmth spreads slowly
with the cold driven away
my attention is focused on another need
the touch
the caress
it has become more then want
it is now precious
it is like the need to breath now
yes his touch
his kiss
the warm breath he exhales on my neck
each moment that passes, my need to please him
and to be commanded by him grows
it has become greater and more important then anything
i want him to use me
i want him to hurt me
i want him to take his pleasure from every part of
what makes me a whole person
his hands tighten in my hair
suddenly, he is deep in my throat
i want to surrender to him
my body starts to betray me, and i struggle to breath
my pain, my struggle
it is my gift, his pleasure, my need
i want his will to be my own
to obey him in anything and everything
to surrender myself to him
does he know that he owns me so fully already?
i say to my Master, “please do anything you want to me! i will obey you!”
as my lips speak the words
my heart and soul come alive
suddenly, my thoughts and dreams are all consumed by him
dreaming of being at his feet
dreaming of being his pet, his toy
things i would never have before dreamt of doing
i would do for him, without hesitation!
how can he ever know how i feel?
how can he ever know how much i feel owned by him?
what must he think of me?
am i foolish?
i want to feel his hands around my neck
i want to feel his hand strike me across the face
i want to know that he is taking his pleasure with what he owns
because he owns me

Freedom by me...if you steel it i will hurt you >:)

it’s a long trail
a winding road
confused and torn
which way to go?
passion, lust and love too
they all meet together
the touch of a hand
harsh, yet gentle
taken by the hair
your head tips back
his eyes meet with yours
your eyes become his window
don’t hide from him anymore
he places you on your knees
“Please me” is all he says
a lick of your lips
your head is pushed down
you close your eyes
and now your reward
it is the soft sound you hear from him
his pleasure has become your air
you need to please him to breath
your soft hands
they move over his body
don’t fear your own feelings
surrender
you are afraid
but he makes it ok
without saying a word
you are his slave
and suddenly
for the first time in your life
you are free because you are owned by him

i had a friend in high school who used to come and sleep over about once a month. She liked girls, it was very obvious, and i found myself sometimes wondering what it would be like to kiss her. i wish i had, back then, because i think i would have been able to start my kinky life a lot sooner! :) i have been thinking a lot lately about what it would be like to be a "real slave", not that i am a fake slave, but a slave that really didn’t have any sort of choices. A slave that would be forced to remain with her owners no matter what. No temper tantrums, no running out…just a slave who excepted her lot in life and served to the best of her abilities with only the hope of a better life in that everyone would leave her the fuck alone. i tried this once, it was...um...not a good thing.

i tried this when i went to Shadowfind. Who knew that being in a house with some many other slaves would be so hard? Not i. Its like Skip and Shelly were the bottom of the Mayo jar, you know? And everyone in the house (9 slaves at one point) were the two pieces of bread. And no matter how thin they spread themselves, there just was never enough to cover every part of the bread. So some spots in the samich tastes better then others, because without the mayo, well…you get my point.

Poly doesn't have to be that way. But, i did discover one thing being a true poly triad. Everyone has to have a relationship. 2x2x2 does that make sense? A+B and B+C and A+C and A+B+C or its just going to fall apart. And, it has to be a family. At elast for me. There are times when Daddy and my jan have to do things without me. They feel sad and so do i...but it would be REALLY hard for them to show up with me at a work dinenr and say "This our lil fuck slave, isn't she sweet!" People wouldn't understand...

i don't feel the way i felt at Shadowfind. i don't feel neglected. i feel loved...but its been a long time...

i asked my mom and dad for a rabbit when i was 15. My dad said, "no fucking way! You wont even go out and pick up poo in the yard from the fucking dog, forget it." Being the spoiled little princess brat that i was, i went and bought a rabbit. i got him all sorts of rabbitly things and i put him in my closet and loved and petted him and named him little bunny foo foo. About 2 months later my dad went up stairs to my room. He heard this strange thumping noise, opened my closet and what do you know! A Rabbit!! My dad was furious. He got over it but that’s not the point to my story...there is a point i swear!

After the first 2 months, little bunny foo foo wasn’t as fun as he was when i first got him. He started getting big and less cute. Then he just started to be stinky. And a pain in my ass. So i stopped paying attention to him. i feed him and gave him water and kept his cage clean but i didn’t talk to him, hold him or play with him. Little bunny foo foo got really mad, and he started to eat my carpet :(

Bad bunny.

When i tried to hold him, he bit me. Yes, he remember that i neglected him, and he started biting me and being just an all around bad sport. i tried to explain to him that i had school work to do and that i didn’t always have the time to hold him and play with him the way i liked. And also, i liked the dog better because he did not smell of wood chips and rabit pee. Bunny didn’t understand, mostly because i think he didn’t speak English.

i realized it was too late. i had ignored bunny for too long and now he was just a mean ass.

i think this is how i felt at Shadowfind. In the end, if Skip made any effort, it was too little to late as far as i was concerned.

In the last year, i have stop equating "playing" and "sex" to love. There are MANY ways to show someoen you love them. There are also MANY ways to be a slave. My views have changed, and ropes and leather and bondage don't make soemoen a slave. Whats inside you, what you DO is what makes you slave.

This has turned into a really confussing entry, and well...i think ist time to just STFU :(

OMG...what if they don't include me...

So, i am on the phone with Daddy today and i test the waters...

"So, where are you gonna take jan for V-day?"
"well, i was thinking about that i just don't know. Why don't you ask her where she would like to go?"

OMG...they are going out without me /cry

i call jan...

"Daddy wonders where you wanna go for dinner on monday..."
"Oh...i dunno. i will call him"

OMG...she doesn't want me there either /cry

So...i get myself all worked up. i cry and cry. They don't "love" me.

Isn't this what i always do? Isn't it? i am so presumptious sometimes. So, two hours later here i am about to make this awful hateful entry in my journal and the phone rings.

"mel...do you not want to go out with us on monday?" jan...
"huh? Well...i mean, i don't want to intrude..."
"mel...you called Daddy earlier and you said specifically "where are you taking JAN" and he was a lil disappointed. He thought you were telling him you were not interested in goin"

Isn't that odd? i mean...it was me. i did do that. Why did i do that? Do i have this need to be a victim or WHAT?! Am i trying to turn them into Skip and Shelly? i am OMG! i have to STOP that.

So, jan says: "melly we love you, your stuck with us. We want you as part of our lives. We didn't bring you into our life so we could leave you behind."

wow...i suck :( i really need to start living for today and tomorrow, and stop dwelling on yesterday.